Breakdown
by Lololova
Summary: Prompt: In 4x09 Beckett has a breakdown after a sniper-victim grabs her arm. What if Castle ran after her when she disappears?


_Prompt: In 4x09 Beckett has a breakdown after a sniper-victim grabs her arm. What if Castle ran after her when she disappears?_

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Kate Beckett ran towards the building's doors when she suddenly had a feeling of someone watching her. Without saying anything to her partner, who continued rushing to the doors, she stopped in her tracks and started looking up at the high buildings around them. The sniper could be anywhere, and Kate's eyes roamed the windows. Her eyes snapped to every little light that was out of place, every glitter that could be from a sniper's weapon, and she felt her heart pounding in her chest. She could feel the panic attack long before it really came to the surface. She felt her breathing picking up, and not from the running they'd done. Her hands started shaking and her eyes started darting back and forth faster.

"Beckett?!" her eyes snapped to her partner, Richard Castle, who looked at her with worry in his eyes. "Grace." The reminder had her feet moving again, and she tried taking calming breaths.

She had to keep it together. They had a killer to find. She needed to find her strength to _keep. It. Together._

"How many people are dead?" her voice was stronger than she thought possible but she could still feel her hands trembling. Fidgeting with the ends of her shirt. Her scar in between her breasts was burning and she tried push away the feeling as she focused on her job. _She had a job to do._

"None." the paramedic pushing the bar with an injured woman said and she felt a relief fill her lungs. She hadn't noticed how hard it had become to breathe.

"Thank God," Castle exclaimed beside her. _They hadn't lost... yet._

"Yeah, sniper opened fire through the window of a conference room, on the 15th floor," the paramedic told them and Kate clenched her jaw for the next question she needed an answer to.

"Is anyone else injured?"

She held her breath as she waited for the answer, even if no one was dead, _yet_ , there could still be a lot of damage that had been done.

"No, just her. Her name is Emily Reese, and he only shot at her."

 _Another pre-meditated victim._ "Emily, my name is detective Kate Beckett," Kate tried to keep her voice as calm as she could. "I need you to tell me what happened." _If she had been chosen the sniper must've met her._

"Why me? What did I do? Why is somebody trying to kill me." The woman on the gown asked, her eyes filled with panic and Kate could feel her own heart speeding up again.

"Emily, have you seen anybody watching you lately?" Her voice was beginning to break too, her scar burning as if it was opening up again.

The woman shook her head, her eyes looking everywhere but nowhere. "No. I-I don't know. I don't know."

"We gotta get her to the hospital." The paramedical tried moving the bar but the woman grabbed Kate's arm, crying hysterically.

"No!" she screamed, hysterical and Kate's breathing picked up. "Don't let them take me outside. He's still out there."

 _He's still out there_. "No, you're gonna be okay, Emily." _Not like me._ She felt her heart picking up in speed faster than it already was.

"Please don't do this. He's out there. He's going to kill me. Please." The panic in the woman's whole being was bringing out the panic Kate had been trying to smother. The panic of being shot. The panic of _feeling_ her life leave her body. She needed to get out of there. She needed to get distance. She needed to...

"Just go. Get her outta here. Now. Go." She called out, panic evident in her voice and she tore herself away from the woman's grasp in order to let the paramedics get the woman out of there. The screams of the hysterical woman was only a faint whisper as her heart was pounding in her ears, the sound overpowering every other sound. She couldn't hear anything other than the panic flowing through her veins. She couldn't hear anything but the heaving of her breath or the feeling of being in the crosshairs once again. Feeling the bullet burn through her skin. She started pulling off her gloves as her feet started carrying her away. Away from the windows. Away from the chaos. Away from everything that could hurt her. Her feet moved faster, rushing, running. She faintly heard her partner call after her, heard the usage of her first name in his overly concerned voice. But she didn't stop. _She couldn't stop_.

Pushing through a door she finally found some peace. Or _outer_ peace, her inside was still a mess. Throwing her body against the wall she felt her eyes leak tears and her heart was pounding like it would be the last thing it did. Her lungs screamed for air and no matter how fast she breathed it felt like it wasn't near enough. She threw the gloves on the ground in front of her, started pulling off her jacket, her badge, her holster with her gun. _A gun. With bullets_. She pulled off her scarf, feeling like a noose around her neck. She threw it all on the ground. Gasping for air she leaned her hands on the opposite wall, her forehead meeting the back of her hands as she cried out. Her whole body was trembling and she felt her knees give out under her. Her back fell to the wall behind her and she let herself fall down. _They weren't going to find the sniper if she kept bawling. She wouldn't be able to_ save _anyone if she couldn't find the sniper_. Her breathing was hitched, her eyes kept weeping and, _fuck_ , _what was she going to do?!_ She couldn't keep going like this. She couldn't give up either! _She didn't give up_.

"Hey," she jumped and started clawing at the hands suddenly touching her.

 _What if the sniper had targeted her too? What if he was coming after her because she couldn't stop him?_

"Kate, no _no no no_ , shh, it's me, hey, it's okay."

Kate cried out in pain as she realized she _knew_ that voice. She felt herself crumble down, felt her crawling into the ball of shattered pieces. _She didn't want him to see her like this_. _She didn't want him here_. _She was broken_. Trying to fight him off was pointless, he refused to let her push him away. It only made her cry harder, made her breathing gasping faster, her heart beat harder. Even her scar was hurting more than before and she couldn't stop her hands from trembling to it, holding her hands towards her heart as if she was trying to protect it the way she hadn't been able to all those months ago.

"Kate, you're okay, you're okay," his voice broke through the pounding in her ears again, and she felt his hands rub soothing patterns up and down her arms, her back. "Breathe in," he demonstrated, "breathe out."

He continued to chant a constant breathing pattern and rubbed his hands in the same rhythm. Surprisingly it worked, she found herself breathing easier, feeling the tightness around her neck and lungs loosen along with his rubs and demonstrated breathing. His hands on her spread a warmth through her she wasn't expecting, she could feel herself push back into his hands, could feel herself unfurling from the ball of shattered pieces in order to slowly lean herself into him. She couldn't stop herself when she laid her cheek to his chest, facing his broad body in order to stuff her nose closer to him. The next breaths she took filled with the scent of him and she curled into his body, still crying but not as hysterical as she had. His hands were trembling a bit when he moved them to wrap around her neat body, and she felt more than heard the small gasp he let out. Clenching her eyes shut she had a feeling he was suddenly getting to know exactly how much less she'd been eating since the shooting.

"Shh, it's okay, Kate. You're going to be okay," he whispered and she felt his lips move in her hair.

Shaking her head she opened her mouth with a cry. "No. I'm not." She moved her hands to his chest, close to her face, tried hiding even though she knew it was pointless now. "I'm broken, Castle. I'm broken." Her voice broke as if to prove her point. As if she _needed_ any more proof than he'd already seen.

"No, you're not," his voice was low, but it was as clear as if he'd been telling her in the same tone he always used when he held speeches, being loud and clear even though his tone was low, meant for her ears only. "You're still detective Kate Beckett. The woman stronger than anyone that I've ever met. Th..." he stopped and she heard how he swallowed his words.

She couldn't stop herself, couldn't bare the thought of losing him, couldn't bare the thought of not knowing if he was still... her _partner_. "Do you still love me?" It was pathetic. _She_ felt pathetic. She shouldn't _need_ him to love her. She didn't _need_ a man in her life to survive. Had never intended to be so vulnerable again after her mom's death. But she found herself _wanting_ him. She found herself so _deeply in love_ with him, she never thought he would get inside her walls, but he had. He'd gotten inside them when she hadn't been looking.

She felt his chest and soothing hands freeze, and she cursed herself. He hadn't meant it. That day on the cemetery, when they'd laid in the grass. He hadn't meant it. Or he had but she'd screwed it all up thanks to her stupid walls. She pushed him away. She'd been in denial for too long. His hands landed carefully on her shoulders and he pushed her away, most likely he was trying to get eye contact with her but she couldn't. She looked down instead. Couldn't bare to see his blue eyes, _god, those blue eyes that she could drown in if he'd let her_ , if all they would give her was the friendship and partnership in crime they'd established during the last few years.

"Kate, look at me, please," his whisper wasn't much louder than the cries leaving her mouth, and his hand landed gently on her cheek. Carefully he moved her head towards him, made her look at him. His blue eyes searching for her hazel ones. When they met, she saw concern and... _was that really what she thought it was?_ "I love you, Kate." His thumb stroke her cheek, wiped way the tears still there on her skin.

She let go of a relieved sob, and he didn't stop her when she curled into him again, her head on his chest. He simply laid his arms around her and rocked her gently. He kept quiet, and so was she. He started with the breathing again, and she followed, found her heart slowing down from the pounding of the panic attack. They continued to be quiet, until her crying had stopped, until her breathing wasn't panicked anymore. She felt his arms hugging her and she hugged him back. Her lungs were finally filled with air again, even though he held her tight in his embrace she could breathe more clearly than just a few minutes ago.

"Do you think you can handle this case?" he whispered, afraid to break the silence but needing to ask the question.

She sat silent for a minute, thought about his question, thought about her answer. _Could_ she handle this case? "Yes. I need to, if I don't... I need to do this, I need to finish it," she decided. If she couldn't handle this case, what was the point of her continuing her job? The whole reason she became a cop was to get justice for the people who couldn't defend themselves any longer. To be the voice of the one's who got robbed of their own. _She needed to do this_.

With hesitant movements she sat up straighter, which also meant she pulled away a bit from him, and started wiping at her face to get rid of the water staining her cheeks.

"Let me know if I can help. I know you want to do this all alone, I know you're _strong_ enough to do it alone, but that doesn't necessary mean you _have_ to. I'm here, whenever you want or need my help," he promised and she looked at him, met his blues. "Always."

She felt her eyes tear up again, but this time they were accompanied by a smile growing on her lips. Nodding she carefully raised from the floor and started gathering up her stuff laying on the ground. In the meantime her partner was standing up and once she had everything back in place they stood facing each other.

"I..." she sighed, bit her lip. "I can't say it back. Not yet." Her voice almost broke again, almost.

He shook his head before she could elaborate, and she gave him a wondering gaze. "Take your time, Kate. Heal, get comfortable, whatever you need, just... as long as you stand where I think you're standing?" It came out more as a question than as a statement and she nodded. _She was definitely standing where he thought_.

"I do. I want... us. But this case..."

He nodded. "We'll talk when the case is over. For now, let's just go and be the crime fighting duo we are," he said and she smiled bigger.

She couldn't stop herself but take his hand, squeezing it as she stood on her toes and kissed his cheek. "We'll talk. Thank you."

His smile was as big and loving as she'd ever seen it before. "Always." And together they walked out of there with the mind set of solving the case, knowing they would set it all right the second they had served the victim's their justice.

 _THE END_

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 _A/N: So, here was another one shot! Hope you all enjoyed it as much as I did writing it! Like I've stated previously I'm right now working a little bit on a new multi-chap but since I'm only on chapter 5 I don't know when I'll start publish it. Also, my school has just begun which means less time to write. Still, I'm writing when I can and I'd actually LOVE if you guys have prompts you'd want me to try and write, just dm me here or on twitter (LololovaX). Anyway, until next time xxxx_


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